#unlike tos which of course had spock have his moment with mccoy BEFORE he goes in (and then of course the katra)

[muirmarie]

modern trek erasing mccoy is genuinely my villain origin story

[mittiemoo]

you guys... tos mckirk is actually Very Good, okay - hear me out.

imagine you are jim kirk. 

you take command of the enterprise and find yourself drawn to the ship’s CMO - there’s something about his old southern charm that strikes a chord with you, it feels warm and familiar. you quickly find that this initial intuitive sense of this person has blossomed in to a real rapport between the two of you. his company is comfortable, and somehow unlike anyone else, he listens to you, and he tells you what he thinks of what you say with an earnestness that sometimes butts up against where you think the line should be, but it never feels like he tells you off out of any sort of defiance against your command - it’s from his heart, and that’s what makes this connection to him so unique.

you truly value this man for what he offers you, and over time you find yourself spending more and more time with him, until one night you’re in his quarters talking over some of the doctor’s choice whiskey, and he lets it slip that yes, he’s been married before and no, it didn’t end well, and why, it’s the reason he’s up here in the first place, he supposes, to try and find someplace in this goddamned universe where the pain can’t reach him.

and you’re not surprised to hear this - you’ve always known that there’s a deep melancholy in the doctor’s disposition, but what does surprise you is this sense of anger you feel, this disbelief that anyone could have hurt this man so much that he took to the stars to escape the pain of it. and in that moment, you understand something about yourself. this man’s not just your friend or your confidant to you. he’s something more than that. 

but you don’t tell him then. the timing’s not right. besides, maybe you’ll enjoy feeling this out a bit more within yourself -- you don’t want to be too hasty when it comes to this, especially not with someone who’s still nursing a broken heart. 

so you hold off. he doesn’t seem to notice anything’s amiss as you continue to keep his company. you find yourself... happier. he knows just how to put your mind at ease, how to make you laugh, what’s truly important. you decide your intuition was right again. 

you tell him. he doesn’t believe you, which doesn’t surprise you. you’re patient with him as he grapples with the truth, and it comes to the point where you fear his stubborn, self-effacing nature might rob you of this opportunity. you kiss him. he’s shocked, but finally, he believes you. 

he tries to tell you that you’re making a mistake. that he’s sorry you’ve fallen for his old country charm, but there’s more to him than he lets you see. his pain will hurt you, he says, and he would never forgive himself for giving you the opportunity to be disappointed in him. 

you smile and tell him you know. you know his pain, and all you want to do is help to ease its burden, if he’d let you. you tell him that we all have our faults. why should his keep him from enjoying all that life has to offer him?

his stubbornness flares again. he says he’ll never believe why a man like you would settle for a man like him, and it will frustrate you until the end of time. 

you kiss him again. trust me, you tell him. believe me. you won’t regret it, you promise him. you need him. you want to prove it to him. 

and with that, he’s yours. it takes a while for his timidness to subside, but once it does, he’s everything you hoped he’d be. you’re both so enamored with each other. it’s beautiful. you wouldn’t trade it for anything.

time passes. eventually, the darkness of his heart finds a reason to show itself to you.

he’s noticed how devoted your first officer has become to you, and he can’t help but notice too that you don’t seem too interested in shying away from it. what did he tell you? he knew you’d eventually find someone better. 

this pains you so much. your relationship with your first officer has been... evolving, yes, but not so much that it had bumped up against your sense of integrity. you ask him if he believes you’ve been untrue. 

no, he tells you, but he’s not a fool. he knows where this path leads. 

you are beside yourself. how could he think this way? haven’t you shown him how much he means to you? how much you need him? then you remember. he told you this would happen. he told you his pain would try and push you away. 

with this understanding, you do all you can to reassure him of your intentions. you tell him how important he is to you. that you’d never disregard him in that way. that he has nothing to fear from you. you love him. 

it’s difficult, but he slowly learns that his pain doesn’t always speak the gospel. he apologizes to you, he’s afraid he’s tarnished your affection for him. you assure him he hasn’t. 

some more time passes, and you eventually feel another stroke of intuition. you’ve been keeping a careful eye on your first officer, and in doing so have noticed that the affection the doctor pointed out between the two of you also extends from your first officer to the doctor. it’s a different sort of connection, certainly, but to deny it would be foolish. it’s plain as day. 

you decide to bring this up with the doctor over drinks in his quarters. he nearly spits up his drink when you point out how you’ve noticed the sorts of ways your first officer regards him. you’re not suggesting anything untoward, of course, but you can’t help but notice the shared glances, the playful smiles, the energy in the air between them. oh, and also, if the doctor wasn’t aware, a Vulcan’s touch, specifically of the hands, is very significant, very intimate - and, well, it’s no accident when spock reaches for the doctor’s hand in times of peril. 

it takes mccoy many days to grapple with what you know is the truth. you are patient with him - it’s quite an extraordinary circumstance that you’ve found yourselves in. you know it won’t be easy for him, but you believe so strongly in this potential. 

you ask him if he would like to approach spock with you. he hesitates, and asks if that’s what you want. you consider, and tell him the truth - yes, but only if you do it together. you see him contend with his jealousy, but you trust him, you believe in him. he tells you he doesn’t know what to think of it all, but he wants to try. 

spock takes time. you’re not surprised to find that his first response is a distinctly professional refusal, citing the potential for risk in your working relationship as his superior officer. it stings, but you understand, and speak no more of it to him out of respect. you are surprised to find that is it is eventually mccoy who spock first allows to slip past his walls - one night, the doctor tells you in a hushed state of shock that he doesn’t know how it happened, but first they were just talking, and then they were kissing, and he didn’t mean to do it without you, it happened so quickly -

you put your hands on his arms and tell him to relax. he’s done no wrong. you’ll navigate this together. 

and you do. spock is still reticent, but you tell him your intentions are to only take what spock is willing to give, and no more. mccoy assures spock that you are a man of your word, that he can trust you, just as he does during working hours. spock tells mccoy that he knows. 

it is... indescribable, the beauty of the connection which flourishes between the three of you. there is an unspoken depth to spock that resonates deeply with you that your curiosity and your regard for him slowly allows you to experience with more and more directness as time passes. while spock takes his time to lower his walls to the both of you, once he bares himself to you, it is with alarming swiftness that you realize how deep and whole your adoration for him is. 

to have them both - for each of you to have one another - it is a divine connection, it is fate, there is no other path but this - you have found where you belong. 

-

it is indescribable, the pain you feel when spock tells you he must leave. you plead with him, you ask him why, you beg him to let you understand. he explains to you that it is because he is Vulcan, and that to make any other choice would be against his very nature. 

it hurts you immeasurably to hear this, it hurts you to believe that he could feel this way after you’ve spent so long now knowing your truth, having this understanding between you, but you remember what you promised spock. you would not take more than spock was willing to give. 

mccoy is inconsolable. he doesn’t understand, he can’t understand, he won’t understand. in what feels like a complete disintegration of their connection, mccoy begs spock, he rebukes spock, he pushes spock beyond where mccoy knows is safe, and spock reacts with walls so fierce that no goodwill remains between them. you are both heartbroken for, and furious with mccoy. 

this is hell. 

spock leaves. you try to comfort mccoy. you try to explain spock’s position to him, but he can’t accept it. his grief is so strong that he cannot bear to continue his career in starfleet. wherever he goes on this damned ship, all he can remember is the man he thought spock was, and how cruelly that man was taken away from him. 

your sadness knows no bounds. your ship returns to starfleet command. any sense of celebration, or pride, or achievement at your return is marred with your sense of loss, but you do what you must for your crew. 

you are not surprised that mccoy follows through with his threat of retirement. he begs you to stay. he tells you he knows your place is in the stars, but please, don’t abandon him too. please.

mccoy is correct, you know your place isn’t here, but equally correct is the truth that your place is with mccoy - how could you leave him after all the years he’s been at your side? how could you leave him with this heartbreak you both share? you remember what you promised him. you’d give him no cause for regret. you’d prove yourself to him. 

you accept a promotion that otherwise you would not have taken in order to stay in san francisco. you do what you can to care for each other. it takes weeks for the grief you both feel to begin to lift. as you start to notice mccoy’s sorrow easing, you know this was the right choice. the only choice. it wasn’t just for mccoy’s sake you stayed. it was for your own as well. 

you slowly adjust to this new life. your position as chief of starfleet operations gives you plenty to keep your mind occupied, and in the evenings, when otherwise you’d be tempted to sink back in to despondency, mccoy is there to give you everything you need from him - a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on, a reminder that not everything in this life is miserable. you enjoy traveling the city with him. he even goes hiking with you, after he sees the glint in your eye at your suggestion. how could he say no, he tells you with a weary smile. anything for you. 

a year passes. two. you start to feel restless. mccoy notices, and you ask him if he’s ready, if he could be ready to go back up there with you. he sighs and holds your hands and asks if you’d please give him just a little more time. of course, you say. anything for you. 

a little more time, it comes to be, was all you had. in a whirlwind of fear and excitement you realize with all the certainty in the world that you are needed, now, to face a threat that only the enterprise is prepared to oppose. there is no choice. you hope to god mccoy will understand. in case he doesn’t, you submit for his reactivation in a little-used bit of bureaucracy that you’d been keeping tabs on for years. you need him. 

of course he won’t board the ship. you go to the transporter room. 

he appears. he’s mad as hell, and dumbfounded when he realizes it’s you that’s done this to him. 

damnit, bones. i need you. badly. 

you know what you’re asking him to do. you know it isn’t fair, but you need him, like you have all this time. you hold your hand out to him. 

he only hesitates for a second. he doesn’t say it, but you know for all his protesting there’s no place he’d rather be than at your side. you smile, and know that whatever lies before you, you will face it together.